Postcards From My Mind: Perspectives of Asperger's Syndrome

(3) Transitions, Flexibility and Fear

It was a beautiful August day in Massachusetts. I just purchased the new Barbara Streisand CD and took my car for a ride. In a dramatic way that only Barbara can accomplish, the music began. 5 seconds, 6 seconds, 7 seconds in to first track… “Oh, I don’t know this song”, I thought. I quickly jabbed my finger on the button and switched to the next track. 5 seconds, 6 seconds, 7 seconds… becoming more frustrated I bellowed, “Oh, I don’t know this song either”. I could feel my body clenching and my jaw becoming stiff. The switching continued. I was extremely upset that I just purchased this CD of songs that I didn’t know. I started listening to track 3 anyway. I turned a corner in my car and all of a sudden my body lightened and my face began to lift with a smile. A revelation! I was holding two of Barbara’s CDs in my head at the same time. I remembered when I first listened to Barbara’s last CD I didn’t like it in the beginning either. Now it’s worn out! Perhaps this will happen to the new CD, too? This was the first time I had ever been able to look back in the past and remember a former mental state (not liking the original CD), which was different, than my current mental state (I like this CD very much). Additionally, I was able to switch my attention to predict a future event. (3 years later I was right – the then new CD is worn out!)

Out of this seemingly minuscule event grew my ability to transition. Once I had bridged the way with the CD, I now started making future predications all over the place. I came to a profound realization about transitions. Before neurologically typical people transition, they plan and think about where they are going. They imagine what the place will look like and what they will be doing. In essence, they rehearse. They are priming themselves for the change. This priming is a way of practicing becoming comfortable with events and situations. As I’ve come to know now, some people do this consciously or unconsciously.

Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality; they are also dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination.” Barbara Griggati Harrison.

Before I understood this concept, when I would transition from place to place or activity to activity, it was felt very abrupt – very dysfluent. Metaphorically as if I were engaged in an activity and someone came along placing me in a satchel and dumping me in another place. Each transition was terrifying, even if the transition was routine and familiar. When I experienced this feeling of terror, I reacted in the fight or flight mode (from an evolutionary standpoint, when one encounters danger s/he has two choices for survival: fight (meaning do combat) or flight (meaning leave). In modern day, when one feels threatened the feeling of anxiety does not discriminate between “this is an emergency” and “I feel uncomfortable”. The feeling is the same regardless of the cause and hence, the reaction is one of survival). Protesting like a soldier in battle, many times I would have a complete meltdown because my anxiety was so high. Because I didn’t have the capacity to switch my attention and remember another mental state when I was calmer, the only feeling I knew was terror and it needed to stop immediately. This “doom of foreverness”, as I’ve come to coin it, is when I’m in one mental state I literally can not remember being in another. I can’t remember that things will be better.

The fight or flight response is not uncommon. Many people have the fear of flying. When they get on an airplane they feel panicky. However, most people don’t have a melt down on the plane. Most people envision landing safely and tell themselves things such as, “Only two more hours, then the flight will be over” (when it’s really not the flight that’s the issue – it’s the feeling of terror that will be over). Just knowing that the flight will end makes it more tolerable. Being able to hold more than one mental state in your mind simultaneously is a wonderful tool.

Not being able to predict consequences and future mental states can also lead to deadly events. One common element that was no stranger to my growing up was the concept of fearing things I should have been afraid of. Once I learned to predict future events, I became extremely hyper vigilant about all of the possibilities in everyday life that could cause death – in fact, I went overboard. I grew depressed as the days wore on until I read the following quote: “Many people try to softly tiptoe through life so that they can arrive at death safely”. From that moment I decided that there must be a balance between what is reasonable danger and what needs to have precautions. I assigned a numerical value to all situations I could think of and got on with my life. Six months ago I was in France and saw the Pont du Gard, a famous, massive, and beautiful aqueduct (bridge). Bridges are one of my favorite obsessions and when I saw this bridge I immediately became a child again! Forgetting my danger system, without delay I ran up the walkway and started climbing on top (this is allowed!) I leaped to the outer most side and began walking on the ledge. Flash… I imagined myself dead in the quarry down below. Deciding death was not a good option, I slowly climbed down and observed the bridge from the center.

 

Previous | Next