Postcards From My Mind: Perspectives of Asperger's Syndrome

Executive Functioning

“The whole purpose of an executive system is to guide behavior with reference to internally specified goals…so that the external world comes to match the internally specified goal state.”
Christopher Jarrold

Executive functioning comprises all the actions required when creating goals and carrying them out. James Russell put it best when he said, “[t]he whole purpose of an executive system is to guide behavior with reference to internally specific goals” (Russell, p. 120-21).

The most confounding aspect of Asperger’s Syndrome is the lack of ability to internally organize anything, which has a spiral effect skewing the mind’s ability to process any information (be it social, sensory, etc.). To give you an example, below is a list of words. Within these words there are several sentences, but only one sentence is the most important. Please take a moment and figure out what the most important sentence is and write it down.

 

The only difference on the answer page is the boxes around specific words. Those boxes do not give you any contextual clues as to the meaning of the message, but simply serve as an organizing system, separating important from less important. In order to function in this world, it’s not enough to know the information; one needs to be able to organize the information, too. In the example above, finding the “most important” is impossible, because of faulty organizing systems within my brain. There is nothing that says, “Hey pay attention to this”, so all information carries equal weight. In order to fully function, each moment of the day must be made up of two categories: (1) the “most important” information and, (2) everything else. This “most important” piece orchestrates our attention, which in turn helps to achieve goals.

My mind feels like one large pot of soup. All information that comes in gets added to the pot in random order. When I search for information later on, I stir my pot and pick up my spoon – I never know what I’m going to get. There is only one word that could possibly encompass all I feel about my executive system – frenetic. I see my memories swirling around like a shaken snow globe, each white speck representing aspects of my life with no linear continuum and no place to land. One thought runs into the next as one day runs into the next. Everything in my head feels jumbled all the time. I have no way to internally organize. Whenever I design classrooms, the fundamental cornerstone of the classroom is teaching students to organize their environment.

The only way that I can survive is by external organization and by having a thought list. A thought list is a directory of information that I keep in my head. So for example, when anyone starts to talk to me I pull up a topic sentence (similar to a computer file) and start adding the information to it. From conversations with neuro-typical people, I think this happens for them automatically, but I must use logic to organize.

The second primary problem with executive functioning/organizing information is the way information is stored. Incoming information is chunked together and stored as a whole instead of breaking the information down into content and storing the meaning. This information is stored on “tapes” which I can recall just by having my visual memory triggered by an event. For example, I was in my college dorm and heard on the radio, “Now, this is the cake I baked for company.” Instantaneously the following images flash up on my memory screen:

(Click on the image above for a full-sized version)

Auditory, visual, tactile (feeling something), and olfactory (smelling something) information brings up millions of these images all day long. I’m assuming based upon classical conditioning theory, the more these images are triggered, the more powerful they become increasing the likelihood of re-triggering the same event. The unfortunate part is when one image is triggered the entire file is opened. I don’t have a way to only open one part of the file.

The memories that are created come back so vividly that they feel real. In order to stay sane, I need to cognitively tell myself this is a memory and it’s not happening now. This feeling of realness is different from a hallucination. In 1989, while taking a prescribed medication, I had a bad reaction and hallucinated that I was on a boat and it was sinking. Through my eyes I saw a boat and I saw the water coming in – I did not see the real room I was in. It was very scary. However, memories are different; it’s as if my brain is processing two pieces of information simultaneously, and the lines are getting blurred. What I see in sharp view is what is actually happening in real time (a phrase I use to distinguish the real world from my memories and I have no confusion about where I am, but in a translucent screen that I created above my left eye I can see my memories) and the feelings they bring back are identical in feeling and intensity to when the memory event originally occurred.

Most of the time I really enjoy this feature; last week I was at a fairly boring lecture. I had already read the manual, and knew the information so showing up was just a social nicety, but not truly necessary. So instead of fully listening, I picked the optimum seat for not being picked on, crunched in my eyebrows making the “thinking face”, and leaned forward (not with my arms crossed, however, since that conveys hostility and mistrust). During that period of time in my mind I watched a fountain that Robert Fuller created for Las Vegas, listened to three different CD’s, drew a picture of the Pont du Gard bridge in France, and wrote more of my Bateson Therapy curriculum. Now, it would be nice if I could connect a printer cable to my brain so could download instead of retyping.

There are times, however, when this feature truly interrupts my life. Sometimes when I’m tired or my sensory budget is low, I have more difficulty switching between memories and current time. Obsessive compulsive thoughts repeat (for example, each time I pass J.P. Lick’s ice cream shop on Beacon Street I have to say, “Wouldn’t it be nice to go for ice cream?” because that’s what someone once said to me and it just got stuck. I’ve learned to say these statements quietly or in my head, which is more appropriate). If there is something that has frightened me or upset me, the same feelings of upsetness repeat when the event is triggered.

During each phase of my Asperger’s deconstruction, the one hoop that all compensatory strategies needed to go through was executive functioning. I could cognitively create an intervention, but until I could control, manipulate, and independently use it, the intervention was ineffective. For example, I tried sensory integration techniques and developed a good repertoire of skills, but without being able to predict when my body was going to need them and what would overwhelm me, the interventions were not truly effective. Interventions should only be considered truly effective if the person can implement them him/herself. This holds true with social situations as well. I had learned all of the “social rules”, but the application was not smooth until I could toggle between my thoughts and the other person’s. Once I achieve executive success, I was then able to orchestrate all of these wonderful coping skills that I had learned over the years.

In retrospect, and only in retrospect (because the learning was tortuous), I feel so fortunate that I progressed through childhood developmental stages as an adult, because I had the privilege of watching myself grow with the ability to reflect upon this growth. It is due to this developmental peculiarity that I was able to write this. Upon reflection, executive functioning skills are a pervasive aspect of functioning that affects everything one does. The following pages are a list of other executive skills that are affected.

 

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